Welcome, this is a special 2-part series featuring posts from myself and my husband. Today I’m going to review a news article that looks at the male perspective of infertility, and share with you about our own personal journey. Tomorrow my husband is going to respond to the same news article with his perspective – what it’s like to be the guy half of a couple facing infertility. So stay tuned!
What is it like to go through infertility? We could all write pages about that one question. But ask it slightly differently and I bet most of us would struggle to find an answer: What is it like to go through infertility as a man? And even harder to answer: What is it like to go through infertility as a man, with indications that male factor infertility issues are at play?
A recent Washington Post article attempts to look at these two questions. What is it like for a man to watch your wife go through injections, invasive procedures, only to not get pregnant month after month? The unspoken rule of silence that pervades men when going through infertility issues, how does a guy bring that up to his buddies? At best it’s just a general comment of “were having trouble getting pregnant” and then averting of eyes and changing the topic.
Why? Because society tells us that infertility is a) ALWAYS the woman’s fault, and b) men are always super fertile. When a couple announces they are pregnant, what happens? The husband gets slapped on the back and comments of ‘good job’, ‘way to go’ and other inane and inappropriate comments are made. The author of the article relates a real life example:
When she considers what men go through, she thinks about rapper Jay-Z. At an awards show soon after wife Beyoncé announced her pregnancy, cameras panned to the expectant mother proudly rubbing her growing belly. Men sitting near the couple jumped up to slap Jay-Z on the back and offer high-fives for a job well done.
And when you do come out of the ‘infertility –closet’, Stephen Yunis, one of the men interviewed in the article says:
Friends would joke he must be doing it wrong. “It’s always a guy thing, like a sexual guy thing. And they think it’s hilarious. Most of them are just kidding. But it’s like, ‘You don’t have any idea.’
Yeah. We got that comment, multiple times, from friends and family. And when you come fully out, when you tell close family and friends your infertility is related to male factor infertility (MFI) issues – wowza – the comments, I was not prepared for the comments we got. Most given in general support, people grasping to say anything. That support is appreciated, the comments, not so much. My husband was actually questioned about whether he was really a “man.”
This is why we, both my husband and I, talk about this. And I will talk about it here as well. My husband had varicoceles. That’s a fancy word for extra veins in his groin. Now, if you remember your sex-ed class correctly you’re thinking ‘but good blood flow down there is a good thing, isn’t it?’ It is, varicoceles don’t impact function, if you get my drift. But extra blood flow heats the ‘boys’ up, so it was like my husband was sitting in a hot tub 24-7. And we all know too much heat causes all sorts of problems. We had poor morphology, poor motility, and DNA fragmentation.
There are many types of MFI, from genetic factors present at birth that render a man sterile, to a missing vas deferens, to lifestyle factors. For the most part MFI is never about whether a man can ‘perform.’ But in some cases, say a man who was abused as a child, or a man on certain medications that, as a side effect, cause impotence, it does come down to function. Now imagine those comments again, and how damaging they can be.
I can’t say our decision to talk about our infertility issues has always been rosy; people for some reason are uncomfortable talking about MFI issues yet are more than willing ask a woman personal questions about her body. But I can say this; my husband’s willingness to address this issue head on has proven to me more about his ‘manliness’ than anything else in our relationship. When we first started having trouble he was there to support me, and volunteered himself to get checked out, saying he would do whatever needed to be done to figure out our fertility issues. That, my friends, is a M-A-N. Confronting the unknown, the uncomfortable, and facing it head on. That is the face of a true man dealing with infertility issues. That is what helped me get through our infertility issues, both mine and his, knowing his was 110% with me and willing to put in the same effort I was.
I hope you’ll read For Men, Infertility Often Becomes a Private Heartache, tell us what you think and come back tomorrow to get the male perspective from my very own husband.
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Chandra is a Mom and Foster Mom. She holds a Master’s degree in Theology and is particularly interested in the theology of infertility. Chandra grew up in the Northeast but she and her husband are raising their daughter in the middle-of-nowhere Indiana. She has 3 chickens that drive her crazy, a huge garden, and a penchant for bacon. She occasionally attempts to make sense of all those things, and more, over at her blog, MetholicBlog. She also shares embarrassing stories about her husband and unicorns.