Apr 12, 2013

healing week: the afterwards

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Being present in your own life movie

A concept that I love and that I really only just started actively participating in these past few months.

I had to stop blogging. And I had to put a firm boundary in place between the ALI community and my life. It is the absolute best thing I have done for myself in such a long time. I still read my friends blogs but I have to admit they are now parenting after ALI blogs and my reader has dwindled down to those people whom I have formed a really great connection with over the past few years. The reason for the distance – that’s my life now. Parenting after loss and living after loss.

Chandra mentioned in her post that “Society tells you, you got pregnant/you adopted/you had your baby after multiple losses – now move on” and I have to agree with this ideology to a degree. You do have to move on in and accept that whatever happened in your movie to the point you are at now can’t be undone in order for healing to happen. Living in the past kills the present and the healing process. It truly does. I’ll never forget what happened to us in 2010/2011. We went through trauma like no other, my husband and I turned into shells of our usual comedic selves. We lost and began resenting family & friends and we couldn’t see a way out of the hell that we were stuck in. There’s no way I could forget how my movie started but I do wish it hadn’t happened on a daily basis.

We got through the horrible beginning though and we have found a way to live happily again. I think that’s the most important part about the afterwards when you come from a past of loss.

Living.

Quite honestly, I forgot how to do that until our daughter was born.

Josey mentioned in her post that she was “sad people from an ALI background seem to feel that they are not allowed to have the hopes and dreams that your average pregnant woman takes for granted”. I really have to emphasis that for us – coming from loss – our hope never went away, our dreams never really died, they just got edited in our movie. Do I care now that my original script included a midwife, giving birth within months of all my friends, a joyous maternity leave filled with mommy and me classes with said girlfriends, a fat belly with no stretch marks and curly haired half-Italian baby? Nope, it got edited and the remnants of the original script that I wrote are on the cutting room floor.

The editors changed my script so drastically and what we got put in its place was 10 days to prepare for another woman to relinquish her child to me. Say what! I watched her give birth the most beautiful baby in the world out and have her placed in my arms. My family grew to include the most amazing people and my appreciation for life grew to include all those people.

Those editors…you hate them when they mess with the story until you get to the good part ;)

The good part: I became a mom. Just in a different way than I thought.

Occasionally though, like every good drama, there are references to the past in our movie.

We visit the daughter we lost often. We don’t make a point of doing it, but she just happens to be resting in a pond that is on our usual dog walk route. We wink, we kiss on her bridge, or throw some bread to the ducks and their babies and we remember her. However, once the dog sees the ducks and decides he wants to kill chase them or Ky starts screaming protesting in her stroller because WE STOPPED (OMG) for a second, we gotta move on.

And so the story of “us” keeps on moving.

Forward.

Now if you aren’t sick of my movie analogy yet here’s the scene at the end of the movie after the credits roll as you are walking out the theatre.

The girl (errrr me) stands up in front of a large group of people. She starts talking about things like – child loss, adoption, open adoption, grieving, and stillbirth. She opens her entire life/past up when people to who are in similar loss circumstances ask her questions about how she moved on through/after loss. She tells them that its okay if the story they thought was going to happen gets changed and they aren’t alone on the pages. She says

“scripts get changed all the time and you have to believe that the movie is going have a happy ending”

How do I heal? I talk about my story and I try my best to help people not feel alone when they arrive at the decision to adopt a child because their original script got messed with. I think my own personal healing is flourishing now because we are done with our family building.

So, I’m still here. I’m just waiting to see what else the editors have in store for me, not being scared of potential change to my movie, and trying my best to move forward despite the past.

Be sure to go back and read the healing posts written by: Josey, Chandra, Julie, and SRB if you haven’t already done so.

*****

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tpicTracy is a mother to a gorgeous girl whom her and her husband adopted at birth in January of 2012. She holds a Master’s degree in Guidance Counselling and is a high school counsellor by day, self-admitted know it all by night, and gate-keeper of three enormous families on the weekend. She formed her new family by way of an exceptional open adoption and now spends her weekends making sure her family, her husband’s family and her daughters birth family all get to shower her with as much love as she can get. She can be contacted at theyalllived@gmail.com

Filed Under: adoption, healing, open adoption, pregnancy after loss ·
Jan 22, 2013

january 2013 – where do babies come from?

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Here are the posts for our January 2013 topic “Where Do Babies Come From?” Each of us had a unique path to tread to bringing our children home, and it will be interesting to see how we each plan to share the story. Both the “usual” paths, and the “scenic routes.”

If you mention any specific resources in your post, it would be AWESOME if you could also link us up in the comments on this post. We would love to add them to our Resources area.

In a week, this post will move to the drop-down menu in the pink toolbar, so you can check there to come back and see what you missed. It is never too late to leave a comment.

Suggested Prompts:

  • Have you thought about when your child(ren) might ask the “Where do babies come from”” question and what you might say?
  • Do you plan to talk to them about ALI in general in an age-appropriate way at that time, or wait until they are older? When they ask?
  • Have you thought about sharing your specific infertility/loss experience and treatments with your child(ren)? Why or why not?
  • If you brought your child home through adoption, what will this process look like for you? Have you previously written on this topic?
  • Do you consider the gender of your children to be important in what you share about your unique set of circumstances? Why or why not?
  • How do imagine your thoughts on this topic might evolve over time?
  • Do you have any tips or advice on how to make this topic (general reproduction and/or as it relates to the ALI journey) age-appropriate?
  • Do you have any resources (links, books, podcasts) etc. that you could share in the comments to add to our Resources page?

Contributing Bloggers:

  1. Allison of Allison’s Wonderland says “Mostly I ramble, but conclude that the most important thing when telling Henry the Story of Him is to reinforce how much my boy was wanted, and how loved he is” in her post, Having That Conversation.
  2. Lulu at The Wild Rumpus brings us “…thoughts about telling your son he was conceived in a petri dish, among other things” in her post, Made in a cup, like soup.
  3. Christine from Believing in June “…posted about how creating our daughter through IVF was a really special process for my husband and I, a process that brought us closer together and, we believe, makes Piper’s story all the more interesting!” in her post where my babies come from…
  4. Brittany at Infertile Mormon Mommy shares “Thoughts on what I will tell my kids when they finally ask “Where do babies come from?“
  5. Ms. Future PharmD from Mom PharmD lets us in on “The basics on what we’ve told the kid so far about where babies come from.”
  6. SRB of Little Chicken Nuggets explains that babies come out of your butt, obviously, in her post where do babies comes from?
  7. Josey from My Cheap Version of Therapy tells us “How to talk about EWCM with your daughter… err, someday” in her post What Makes a Baby.
  8. Courtney of All the Sun For You shares her policy of “No secrets – just honesty.  Starting NOW” in her post Where Our Babies Come From.
  9. SLESE1014 at Mommyhood After Fertility Frustration tells us that “It wasn’t a stork…“
  10. April of R. Sativus says “Where our babies come from isn’t as important as why they’re here.” in her post Where Do Babies Come From?
  11. Keanne from Family Building With a Twist shares a post she wrote last year about her son, surrogacy, and “Telling Him How He Came to Be.“
  12. Jules from How I spend my Dash tells us that now she has something to think about in her post Where Do Babies Come From?
  13. Dresden from Creating Motherhood shares The Infertile Version of the “Where do babies come from?” question, including her personal story.

**If we missed you, please give us a link to your post in the comments below (with a short blurb) and we’ll move you to the list above!**

*****

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Filed Under: adoption, donor gametes, ivf, monthly theme, pregnancy after infertility, pregnancy after loss, surrogacy ·
Jan 16, 2013

featured post: “post partum” via miss conception

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Just after the new year I got an email from a blogroll member pointing me to a post I had literally just read. What she had to say about it was more or less what was percolating in my own mind:

I read this post today and thought it would make a great featured post, as so many of us have felt the guilt associated with daring to complain about finally becoming a mom, and yet it is so freaking hard, especially the hormonal and emotional aspect mixed with sleep deprivation. It’s something I think most new moms are not properly prepared for, and we need to talk more about it.

Whew. There was a lot for me to unpack there. In the last two weeks I have written about perspective, “at least” and “just be EMOTION X” statements, and how this can all contribute to guilt and shame over the perfectly natural and healthy negative emotions that come with being a new mum. I remember reading once (and MAN, I cannot remember where) that having a new baby in the house is some seriously shell-shocking shit. Um, pretty much. No amount of reading prepared me for what was about to happen in my life. I was put through the wringer, a few times (and then once more for good measure) both physically and emotionally. And I felt like I could not talk about it. To anyone.

The main reason that I volunteered to help take over PAIL is this: This journey did not stop for me when I got pregnant. It got harder. I was alone with it all, and it nearly cost me. Until I found the odd blog where the woman was in a similar place to me and was touching on some of what I was feeling. I felt less alone. After I gave birth, and AAAAALLLLLL the emotions of the journey up until then caught up with me, I had to stop reading everyone for a while. I couldn’t take it. But then, I started to feel better, and I started talking more. Now, I can’t STOP talking. So really, my main raison d’être at PAIL is this: Keep telling your story, in whichever way you need to tell to tell it. Somebody needs to hear it, and you will both find healing. 

Which brings me back to the post “Post Partum” by ADSchill at Miss Conception. She begins by saying “birthing a baby is not roses and sparkles…” and then breaks it down physically and emotionally.

Physically: I am hurting. I’ll be honest here…my nether regions are a mess. Women don’t really talk about this side of post partum, especially on an infertility blog. But I feel that to be authentic and honest, I need to represent this part of being pregnant and giving birth.

…I had two tears. One in the obvious place (the perineum) and one on the side of the vagina. I was considered a 3rd degree tear. Of course there were stitches placed and lots of swelling…Oh yes, trying to poop with stitches…enough said.

And some other stuff about swelling and weight, and well… yes! The things nobody tells you!

Emotionally: Those post-pregnancy hormones are NO joke.

I am feeling a bit more stable now at 2 weeks past, but the first week was harsh. People don’t warn you about that first week. Well, I will warn you now, because even if you haven’t given birth I hope that you will.

There were a lot of crazy mixed feelings that first week…and well I guess there still are.

I’m going to leave it there, because I recognized so much of myself here, and I wish I had known that it was normal. I wish I had read this, or had someone say it to me. Now that I am about to give birth again, I read this and I remember. I read this, and I remember to be gentle with myself. And I thank A for writing it down for all to see.

This is brave stuff to admit for *any* new mum, but even more so in this community. There is such a pervasive fear that we will look like we are complaining and as such we sanitize or omit things out of sensitivity to our readers – to our friends. It is difficult, and brave, to truly not hold back and tell it how we see it. She does a MUCH better job of capturing this in her post than I can convey here – even if I quoted her. Truly. (My personal feeling is that sharing *all* parts of the journey is important for a realistic management of our expectations. And when we can’t read, we must also be brave and step away. It’s okay. All of it.)

Wherever you are in your journey, I encourage you to head over to Miss Conception and give this post (and its follow-up) a read and a kind word. After all, knowing we are not alone helped to get us this far. And we have miles and miles to go.

*****

ADSchill @ Miss Conception in her own words:

My hubby and I have been married for 6 years and together for a whopping total of 13. As high school sweethearts, we did everything in the so called ‘order’ you are supposed to: Date, college, marriage, cohabitate. We even started with the obligatory puppy to raise and waited 3 years before considering our next step. Fast forward 2 years – here is the picture… Polycystic ovary syndrome, meds, infertility, exhaustion. I have always been healthy, but it turns out PCOS was always hiding in the wings, waiting to rear it’s ugly head the moment I ditched the birth control. If I could kick my ovaries in the junk, I would.

UPDATE: Our first IVF produced two beautiful babies – a boy and a girl. I developed a hematoma which in turn began wreaking havoc in my uterus causing me to go into pre-term labor and deliver my precious twins at 20 weeks. We miss our angels desperately and are still hoping to see a rainbow after the storm.

Baby ‘Raz’ is expected on January 3rd, 2013 after a frozen embryo transfer. Raz was our last surviving frostie baby. (Cooper born December 18, 2012)!!!

*****

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Filed Under: featured posts, infertility, ivf, pregnancy after infertility, pregnancy after loss ·
Oct 28, 2012

featured post: “fears” by Amanda

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While reading through posts in the PAIL Blogroll reader last week, I came across My life in a nutshell.  In it, Amanda had written a post named Fears.

For the past 2 nights, I have woken up at 3 am and all I can do is worry.  I am terrified that the baby will die before I go into labour or worse, it will die during labour.  I’ve researched the data, and almost 1800 cases of still-births happen each year in Ontario – the national average being 6.4 for every 1000.  For some reason, I thought researching the likely-hood will give me comfort – instead it has made me worry even more.

She is 40 weeks pregnant and full of fear right now, and she could really use some advice and support from all of you! In her most recent post from today, she wrote this:

For myself, I am in a weird place.  I am so close to having ‘everything I have ever wanted’ as many of my co-workers have pointed out time and time again.  However, I’m also still so far away.  My baby isn’t here yet so anything is possible.  Also, my body is once again not co-operating by having high blood pressure and not starting to dilate etc to bring the baby to me.  Both of my miscarriages were missed.  In neither situation, did I experience the cramping, bleeding or any other symptom associated with miscarriage.  I found out my babies had died through an ultrasound and needed medical intervention to rid my body of the dead fetus.  Now, sitting her waiting for my baby, I wonder if my body once again will hold onto this pregnancy for dear life.  Does my body want to stay pregnant forever?  Does it even know what it is supposed to do naturally?  If not, does this mean I wont be able to deliver my child?

If you have a minute to share a reassuring story or give words of advice, please go visit Amanda at My life in a nutshell to answer some of her questions.

Did anyone else have these irrational fears?  If so, how did you cope?  How did you move on and enjoy the experience.  Why does this pregnancy have to be so filled with worry and anxiety?

*****

Amanda in her own words: 30 years old married to my best friend. Expecting our first baby after two losses and struggling with being able to get pregnant.

*****

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Filed Under: featured posts, pregnancy after loss, support ·
Sep 25, 2012

featured post: “She Looks Just Like Her Daddy” by My New Normal

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I am the spitting image of my mother. No joke. People see pictures of my Mom at my age, and they think it’s me. My youngest brother is the spitting image of my father. Same thing – you could literally mistake them for each other in pictures.

Because of this, I always thought we had “strong genes” or something (yes, I know this isn’t a real thing, but just work with me here), and I assumed any kid of mine would come out looking like me, especially if we had a girl.

Um, no. My child is 100% her daddy, and as cute as I think my husband is, there are definitely days that it makes me a little sad.

That’s why when I started reading this post by My New Normal (who I have never followed before – I found her while cruising through the PAIL blogroll this week and wasn’t aware of her TTC story), I was figuring it was your typical post about your kid looking nothing like you and kind of wishing s/he did. Then I got to this line…

[Read more...]

Filed Under: donor gametes, featured posts, pregnancy after loss ·
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